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Aliens vs Predator – Refund

Yes, I’ve been warned, I’ve read the reviews, I’ve skimmed the comments—but how was I supposed to resist? It’s an “Alien” movie, I couldn’t just sit and wait for a DVD release, right?

In short—It’s the worst movie I’ve watched in a cinema, ever. And one of the worst altogether.

It lacks everything that makes a good movie—good.

*** Spoilers ahead, if you care ***

First of all, let me just go back a bit to AvP1 and tell you that, at the time, I thought the Alien/Predator franchise couldn’t sink any lower. It was a cheap thrill with lots of inconsistencies and mediocre acting, but it was fun to a certain degree. The only major problem with it was the ending, and I’m talking about the very last scene of the movie—how could the Predators not notice a Predalien growing in their dead mate’s chest? It’s just impossible. Full stop. End of discussion.

And so, the only major problem with AvP1 is just the first in line with AvP2. It continues right where we were left off, with a problematic premise.

2. Who the fuck are “The Strause Brothers”?! Who gave these people the right to direct this movie? Where did the come from? Why why whyyyyy? The Strause Brothers are not The Wachowski Brothers. And Uwe Boll is a God, compared to the Strauses.

3. Predator vision. The way it’s made in AvP2 prevents you from recognizing anything the Predator is looking at. It’s pointless and useless. The effect was just fine in Predator and Predator 2, even in AvP1, and I simply don’t know how these two special effects supervisors turned directors managed to mess it up this bad.

4. What’s up with killing the kid at the beginning of the movie and all the pregnant women? Was that an attempt at making a movie scary? It was just disgusting and some…other words…too. I honestly don’t know why Shane Salerno is still in the writing business, and why his work is still being accepted by the studios. I would like to see him explain the so-called “mouth-rape impregnation” performed by the Predalien. Jeez…

5. Flat characters and awful, emotionless acting are nothing unusual in action-focused movies like this one. But AvP2 definitely redefines “flat” and “emotionless”. No emotions, no facial expressions, no screaming, no yelling, it’s all just flat. Let me describe you just one scene: The Sheriff walks into the bar. He sits next to this guy he knows, one of our lead “actors”, a “bad boy just got out of jail”, and tells him how they’ve found one of his (Sheriff’s) men skinned and hanged to a tree in the woods. Like it’s an ordinary, everyday thing. There’s no concern in his voice, there’s no body language, nothing. His empty shell simply says the words. And the guy next to him just accepts it, nodding his head. Huh?

6. Action scenes. It’s been in many reviews by now, and I’ll mention it too. They’re zoomed in half the time, it’s difficult to recognize who is fighting who, and they’re boring and unimaginative. No thrill, no horror, no scare.

7. Copycat work or homage work? The movie is full of clich├ęs, and it’s expectable, but at times, I couldn’t decide for myself if the Strauses were doing a homage to the rest of the franchise, or just plain stealing. Here, I’m referring to one scene in particular, when the marines are being butchered by the Aliens, and “our main characters” are listening to the carnage over a radio—the scene is almost straight from “Aliens”.

8. Bits and pieces of nonsense. So we have this Predator walking around, cleaning up the mess after the Aliens using a bluish liquid that magically melts everything, turns it into a pudding. And then, when a Sheriff’s deputy accidentally sees him liquefying some bodies and runs away without even reaching for his gun, he gets killed and skinned by the same Predator. As far as I know, Predators only skin those who they’ve found an immediate threat, a worthy opponent. Not just anyone, right? Also: Aliens reach their full size in matter of seconds, of course, why not?

9. They made the Predator look like a wuss. Hmm, let’s see, Predator’s shoulder cannons malfunction, so he just takes them both off and uses one as a handgun. Or handcannon. Or whatever. And it looks unbelievably stupid. The way the Predator walks also looks stupid. I think someone on the IMDB commented that the Predator walks like an WWE wrestler. It’s true, he definitely does. He doesn’t even notice an Alien clinging, walking beneath him, on the opposite side of a construction bridge. It’s see-through, come on!

10. There’s a thousand more mistakes and annoyances in AvP2, but I’m going to stop here, I think it’s pretty clear that I despise this movie. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed so many people leaving the cinema in my life. The audience cheered when “the supposedly hot blonde high school teenager played by a 20-something woman” got killed because her character was so-fucking-annoying.

20th Century Fox has made a big mistake with this movie, and probably put the franchise to sleep for the next 10 years. I expected a bad movie, but this was just an awful experience

And I was definitely looking at the clock.